We help organizations and individuals deliver nonsense with precision, execute practical jokes at scale, and practice civil disobedience with professional elegance.
Begin Your CampaignComprehensive consulting for the modern provocateur. We combine decades of expertise in absurdity with cutting-edge disruption techniques.
From surrealist press releases to bureaucratic performance art, we help you craft messages that confound, delight, and subtly undermine the status quo. Our nonsense is never accidental - it's meticulously engineered confusion.
Enterprise-grade prank deployment for corporate environments. We handle everything from harmless office transformations to large-scale public installations. Safety, consent, and maximum comedic impact guaranteed.
Legal, ethical, and creative guidance for peaceful resistance. We help you make your point without making enemies - unless that's precisely the point, in which case we can help with that too.
Inject carefully calibrated weirdness into your organization. From Dadaist team-building exercises to surreal customer experiences, we help you stand out by making absolutely no sense whatsoever.
When your OpenSSL commands stop making sense and the error messages start speaking in tongues, we've got the cheat sheet. Certificate matching, CMS decryption, S/MIME unpacking — the practical commands that actually work, no theory required.
OpenSSL GuideWhen the nervous system stages an internal mutiny, do not push through - disengage with precision. We teach the sacred art of tactical withdrawal: prodrome recognition, ambient hostility reduction, and nap-adjacent containment protocols for the modern professional who refuses to perform during a neurological objection.
For those who prefer their body recomposition with a side of wit. We don't do crash diets—we do sustainable systems that actually respect your sanity.
We keep the calorie gap civilized, sustainable, and just annoying enough to work. No crash dieting, no heroic suffering, just a weekly energy balance that quietly does the job while you get on with living.
We build meals that fill the stomach before the calorie budget starts yelling. Think protein, fiber, volume foods, and the occasional strategic encounter with chili, mustard, or other low-drama appetite nudges.
From the first cut to the unpleasant middle and onward to the aesthetic endgame, we adjust the rules as the body gets more opinionated. More steps, better sleep, smarter training, and fewer fantasies about magical shortcuts.
We do not worship the scale. Photos, clothing fit, performance, and consistency are treated like evidence, because weight alone is often just water, glycogen, and nonsense in a trench coat.
Don't just take our word for it. See how we've helped leading organizations achieve measurable chaos with quantifiable results. Our track record speaks for itself - and sometimes it speaks in tongues.
"Schabernack didn't just meet our expectations - they redefined what expectations even mean. Our forms now require interpretive dance submissions. Compliance is down 89% but creativity is through the roof."
"We needed to slow down our approval process without looking incompetent. Schabernack's 'Strategic Nonsense Protocol' increased email chains by 400%. Genius. Pure genius. We still don't know what's happening."
"Our shareholder meeting needed something memorable. The rubber chicken installation was subtle, professional, and absolutely terrifying. The board still hasn't stopped talking about it. SEC compliance: questionable. Impact: undeniable."
"We hired Schabernack to 'disrupt our corporate culture.' They replaced all our standing desks with trampolines. Productivity cratered but our Slack channel has never been more active. 10/10 would recommend."
"Our customers were too wired. Schabernack helped us stage a 'coffee shortage' that was actually just decaf. The panic was palpable. The reviews were scathing. The performance art was *chef's kiss*."
"We generate placeholder text for a living. Schabernack turned our placeholder culture into an actual culture. Our quarterly reports are now written in ancient Sumerian. The board thinks it's 'innovative.' They're not wrong."
Real-time climate data, delivered with the same professional detachment we bring to everything else. The data says what we won't.
We track humanity's progress toward climate catastrophe milestones with the same rigor you'd expect from a quarterly earnings report. Except the numbers go up for different reasons.
CO2 levels, ocean temperatures, ice sheet mass, sea level rise, and extreme weather frequency. All source-linked. All verifiable. None of them are fine.
Open DashboardHere are some facts we found lying around. They're all true, which is the least fun thing about them.
Every indicator links to its primary source. IPCC, NASA, NOAA, Copernicus, NSIDC. We don't editorialize. We don't speculate. We don't soften the data. We just present it in a very professional-looking dashboard and hope someone notices.
The project is open source. Data is CC BY-SA 4.0. Code is MIT. If you want to build your own climate catastrophe dashboard, the bar is on the floor and we've already cleared it for you.
MethodologyFind your nearest Schabernack office. With locations spanning six continents (we're still working on Antarctica), we're never far from where the chaos needs to happen.
We believe that laughter is a legitimate tool for social change, and that chaos - when properly choreographed - can be breathtakingly beautiful.
The best nonsense is carefully planned. We leave nothing to chance, except when chance is part of the strategy.
We never cause harm, only delightful confusion. Our pranks are designed to bring people together through shared bewilderment.
Civil disobedience should build bridges, not burn them. We help you challenge systems while maintaining your humanity.
"In a world that takes itself too seriously, the most radical act is to refuse to be serious at all. We are not consultants - we are curators of controlled chaos, architects of the absurd, and professional troublemakers with hearts of gold."- The Schabernack Manifesto
Ready to inject some calculated chaos into your world? We're here to help you plan, execute, and evade responsibility (legally, of course).
Initiate Contacthello@schabernack.consulting
Bahnhofstrasse 42
8001 Rapperswil, Monaco
Locations available upon request